Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus -5 (Love Letter Technique)

The success of a relationship is solely dependent on
two factors: a manʹs ability to listen lovingly and respectfully to a womanʹs feelings, and a
womanʹs ability to share her feelings in a loving and respectful way.

When something is bothering you and you feel that you will not be able to respond lovingly to your partner you should write a love letter and a response letter.

The main idea or intent of writing a love letter is that you love your partner very much but you have some negative feelings and you want to resolve them so that you can love better.
And the listener should not seek to defend that but should understand the feelings.

The love letter should contain all these feelings in this order anger, sorrow, fear, regret and love. It should also contain how the partner should respond to your feelings.
eg.Dear Max,
1. 1 am so angry that you are late!
2. 1 am sad that you have forgotten me.
3. 1 am afraid you donʹt really care about me.
4. 1 am sorry that I am so unforgiving.
5. 1 love you and 1 forgive you for being late. 1 know you really love me. Thank you for trying.

PS: I just hope you will be more responsible next time and inform me if something urgent comes up .



Women might feel that they needn't tell her husband how to behave but they should know that men are from mars and the culture doesn't teach that to them.

These love letters should be shared with the comfort level they have. They can read the letters aloud to each other or they can give and then meet after some time. Some time men may try to rationalize or not respond in the way their partners expect them to but surely they will change and appreciate it.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus -1

Men like to solve their own problems and they like taking advice when asked.
Women like to share their problems, even when they are not expecting them to be solved and they don't require solutions. They just want their men to listen to them.
Women should not give advice to their husbands unless asked.
**************************************************
Men feel fulfilled in a relationship when they feel needed but turned off by neediness
Women feel fulfilled if they are cherished.
**************************************************
Women grow resentful when they feel that they have given more and are getting less in return.
They should learn to set boundaries, so that they dont resent it.


ʺNeedingʺ is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one
that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. ʺNeediness,ʺ however, is desperately
needing support because you donʹt trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them
feel rejected and unappreciated.


Men are afraid of giving because they are afraid of not giving enough. So they don't make an effor to give.
****************************************************
What women says should not be taken literally for e.g - If she says "Younever listen to me" - what she says is he is not listening to her right now. Women like to take poetic license in expressing their feelings but men just give information like.

eg. W: ʺWe never go out.ʺ M: ʺThatʹs not true. We went out last week.ʺ

When a venusian is upset, she uses generalities
****************************************************
Male intimacy cycle: When men become too close, they withdraw. It is normal for men. When they come too close, they feel like loosing themself. So they got their caves and rejenuvate themselves.
Women should understand this and not punish them for pulling away
**************************************************

Winning With People - Summary

John Maxwell's Winning with people is a very good book. How to win Friends and Influence People is a classic personal development book written by Dale Carnegie. Brain Tracy another personal development expert says regarding this book as 'John has rewritten how to win friends and influence people better than ever.' If you have read the HTWFAIP book then you will understand the depth of that statement and I feel it completely lives up to that statement.

This is my attempt to summarize all the principles in the book and share those parts in the book which I found helpful. The book is divided into five parts each dealing with one aspect of relationsips.

First part is called The Readiness Question which speaks about whether we are ready to go into a relationship. The lens principle described in the first part is previous post.

The Readiness Question

The principles in that are

Lens principle : Who we are determines how we see others

Mirror principle: The first person we must examine is ourselves

Pain principle: Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them.

Suggestions while dealing with people in pain:

Don't add to the hurt. Look beyond the person and situation and help them find help.

Hammer principle: Never use a hammer to swat a fly off someone's head

Elevator principle: we can lift people up or take people down in our relationships

The elevator principle basically means that there are people in our life interaction with whom leaves us smiling and happy . Those are the lifters. Lifters commit themselves to daily encouragement, Lifters initiate positive in negative.

Next is the connection question, where the emphasis is on putting others before ourselves.The principles in that are

The big picture principle: The entire population of the world - with one minor exception is - composed of others

The exchange principle: Instead of putting others in their place, we must put ourselves in their place - empathy

The learning principle: Each person we meet has the potential to teach us something

The Charisma principle: People are interested in the person who is interested in them.

Ways for that are

1. Become genuinely interested in other people

2. Smile

3. Remember their name

4. Good listener

5.Talk in terms of other person's interests

6. Make the other person feel important genuinely.

The Number 10 principle: Believing the best in people usually brings out the best in people. So always believe that people are always 10 out of 10. If you think that way, they will deliver to that level.

The confrontation principle: Caring for people should precede confronting people.

I liked this very much. These will be very helpful when we have to confront people.

1. Confront only if you care about that person

2. Meet together asap.

3. First seek understanding. Not necessarily agreement.

4. Outline the issue

. Describe your perceptions

. Tell this how you makes you feel.

. Explain why this is important to you

5. Encourage a response

6. Agree to an action plan

Identification, agreement to solve it, steps, accountability, deadline, commitment to put the issue in the past after resolution.

To take the relation to the next level, we should increase the level of trust in the relationship.

The Trust Question:

The principles are

The bedrock principle: Trust is the foundation of any relationship

The situation principle: Never let the situation mean more than the relationship

The Bob principle: When Bob has a problem with everyone, Bob is usually the problem

When we have to deal with Bobs in our life, these are some suggestions

1. Respond with a positive comment

2. Show your concern for someone being criticized

3. Encourage steps toward resolution

4. Ask Bob to think before speaking

Is it true?, Is it helpful, is it inspiring, is it necessary and is it kind?

5. Keep Bob away from others

The next principle is about easily being approachable to people...

The approachability principle: Being at ease with ourselves helps others to be at ease with us.

How to put others at ease?

1. Personal warmth - They truly like people.

2. Appreciation of differences in people

3. Consistency of mood.

4. Sensitivity towards people's feelings.

5. Being Human - understanding of their weaknesses and showing our own

6. Forgive and ask for forgiveness

7. Be Authentic

The Foxhole principle: When preparing for a battle, dig a hole big enough for a friend

Next comes to the requirements for sustaining a long term relationship

The Investment Question:

The gardening principle: All relationships need cultivation.

The 101 percent principle: Find the 1 percent we agree on and give it 100 percent of our effort.

The patience principle: The journey with others is slower than the journey alone.

The celebration principle: The true test of relationships is not only how loyal we are when friends fail, but how thrilled we are when they succeed.

These are the advantages.. I can use this principle the most ;)

The joy of accomplishment is diminished when no one celebrates with you.

Many people identify with failure, few with success

People who celebrate with you become lifelong friends

Celebrate with the most closest to you.

The High Road principle: We go to a higher level when we treat others better than they treat us.

Directions for high road :

1. Stay on kindness street as long as possible

2. Turn right on forgiveness avenue

3. Avoid get even alley as it is a dead end

4. Climb to the top of the hill as you will see the high road.

5. Take it and stay on it

Next to make the best of the relationship there is

The Synergy Question:

The principles are

The Boomerang principle: When we help others, we help ourselves.

The Friendship principle: All things being equal, people will work with people they like; all things not being equal they still will.

The Partnership principle: Working together increases the odds of winning together.

The Satisfaction principle: In great relationships the joy of being together is enough.

Review - Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families - Part 1

"Happy families are all alike; Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." - Leo Tolstoy

Stephen Covey in his book 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families' tries to teach the framework for developing such happy and beautiful family culture.

What is beautiful family culture?  It is a nurturing culture where family memebers deeply, sincerely and genuinely enjoy being together, where they have a sense of shared beliefs and values, where they act and interact in ways that really work. And building such family is no easy work. It takes a lot of time and when it is happening the progress might not be visible outside. The seven habits framework can be used this way to develop that 'we' culture in a family. 

Habit 1# Be Proactive: Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response, In our response lies our growth and happiness. The growth in any family begins with the recognition of this great truth that we can choose our response. We can use our four uniquely human gifts, self-awareness (to step back and observe our own behaviour), conscience (which tells us what is right), imagination (to imagine what we want to do) and independent will (the power to take action) to choose a proactive response which would help us reach our ends. We can use our fifth gift called 'humour' effectively in such situations. 

He introduces a concept called 'Emotional Bank Account' which is the trust level we have with our family members. The more the balance, the easier it is to have a happy family. At any time the balance of the trust in the account determines how well we can communicate and solve problems with another person. The emotional bank account can be built by loving unconditionally, being kind (doing little things, saying please thank you etc) , apologizing when wrong , by being loyal to those who are not present and most importantly by making and keeping promises. We also need to forgive the mistakes - You will always be a victim unless you forgive.  All these deposits are based on the primary laws of love namely 

• Acceptance rather than rejection
• Understanding rather than judgement
• participation rather than manipulation

These laws are the foundation of a beautiful family culture and if family is a place where these are followed and the environment is loving, then we encourage obedience to primary laws of life such as honesty, responsibility, integrity and service. 

Many people who have never recieved unconditional love and have never developed a sense of intrinsic worth struggle all their lives for approval and recognition. To compensate for the impoverished, empty, hollow feeling they have inside, they borrow strength from a position of power, status, money, posessions, credentials or reputation. They often become very narcisstic, interpreting everything personally. And their behaviour is so distasteful that others reject them throwing fuel on the fire. What would happen if, rather than labelling them, you were to love unconditionally instead? As Goethe said "Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he should be, and he will become as he can and should be." The laws of love affirm the basic worth of the individual, now they are free to develop their own strengths rather than worry about proving their worth. 

Habit 2# Begin with the end in mind: Most relationship problems come due to lack of proper communication and different expectations. So the best way to overcome this is to have a common mission statement of what their family means, how do they plan to resolve issues and other things. So basically explore what family means to them, create a mission statement and use it as a compass to guide the family through trials and tribulations. It would work only if everyone is involved and given sufficient time to work on it and it is really followed i.e dont announce it, dont rush it and dont ignore it. 

We stand at crossroads, each minute, each hour, each day, making choices. We choose the thoughts we allow our mind to think, the passions we allow ourselves to feel and actions we allow ourselves to perform. Each choice is made of the context of whatever value system we've selected to govern our lives. In selected the value system, we have made the most important choice we will ever make. - Benjamin Franklin 

In the same way, the challenge of creating a family mission statement will drive you to do the inner work to have the vision and values of a family clear and thats why it is so important. 

Habit 3# Put First Things First: We know that happiness in family is more important than other things, we need to make sure we put it first. When there are so many sources of influence to the family - peers, tv, movies, it is easy for our conscience to become disoriented, the moral compass is thrown off. Hence he argues that we should steer the family or it will go where the river takes us. And the key to successful steering of the family is to be intentional about the family rituals. So you should commit to a weekly family time and also one on one bonding time between the members of the family. This will increase the trust level between each of them and they will be able to open up. The relationship grows. One-on-one bonding times give you the opportunity to build the relationship, the emotional bank account, so that you can teach. Without the relationship, the feeling would be " I dont care how much you know, until i know how much you care." To sum it up, this can only work if family is made a real priority. 

 

Okay now, I know what you're going to hear from people is "We dont have time." But if you dont have time for one night or atleast one hour during the week where everybody can come together as a family, then the family is not a priority. - Oprah Winfrey. 

This post is becoming very big so I will write about the remaining habits in the next post.