John Maxwell's Winning with people is a very good book. How to win Friends and Influence People is a classic personal development book written by Dale Carnegie. Brain Tracy another personal development expert says regarding this book as 'John has rewritten how to win friends and influence people better than ever.' If you have read the HTWFAIP book then you will understand the depth of that statement and I feel it completely lives up to that statement.
This is my attempt to summarize all the principles in the book and share those parts in the book which I found helpful. The book is divided into five parts each dealing with one aspect of relationsips.
First part is called The Readiness Question which speaks about whether we are ready to go into a relationship. The lens principle described in the first part is previous post.
The Readiness Question
The principles in that are
Lens principle : Who we are determines how we see others
Mirror principle: The first person we must examine is ourselves
Pain principle: Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them.
Suggestions while dealing with people in pain:
Don't add to the hurt. Look beyond the person and situation and help them find help.
Hammer principle: Never use a hammer to swat a fly off someone's head
Elevator principle: we can lift people up or take people down in our relationships
The elevator principle basically means that there are people in our life interaction with whom leaves us smiling and happy . Those are the lifters. Lifters commit themselves to daily encouragement, Lifters initiate positive in negative.
Next is the connection question, where the emphasis is on putting others before ourselves.The principles in that are
The big picture principle: The entire population of the world - with one minor exception is - composed of others
The exchange principle: Instead of putting others in their place, we must put ourselves in their place - empathy
The learning principle: Each person we meet has the potential to teach us something
The Charisma principle: People are interested in the person who is interested in them.
Ways for that are
1. Become genuinely interested in other people
3. Remember their name
4. Good listener
5.Talk in terms of other person's interests
6. Make the other person feel important genuinely.
The Number 10 principle: Believing the best in people usually brings out the best in people. So always believe that people are always 10 out of 10. If you think that way, they will deliver to that level.
The confrontation principle: Caring for people should precede confronting people.
I liked this very much. These will be very helpful when we have to confront people.
1. Confront only if you care about that person
2. Meet together asap.
3. First seek understanding. Not necessarily agreement.
4. Outline the issue
. Describe your perceptions
. Tell this how you makes you feel.
. Explain why this is important to you
5. Encourage a response
6. Agree to an action plan
Identification, agreement to solve it, steps, accountability, deadline, commitment to put the issue in the past after resolution.
To take the relation to the next level, we should increase the level of trust in the relationship.
The Trust Question:
The principles are
The bedrock principle: Trust is the foundation of any relationship
The situation principle: Never let the situation mean more than the relationship
The Bob principle: When Bob has a problem with everyone, Bob is usually the problem
When we have to deal with Bobs in our life, these are some suggestions
1. Respond with a positive comment
2. Show your concern for someone being criticized
3. Encourage steps toward resolution
4. Ask Bob to think before speaking
Is it true?, Is it helpful, is it inspiring, is it necessary and is it kind?
5. Keep Bob away from others
The next principle is about easily being approachable to people...
The approachability principle: Being at ease with ourselves helps others to be at ease with us.
How to put others at ease?
1. Personal warmth - They truly like people.
2. Appreciation of differences in people
3. Consistency of mood.
4. Sensitivity towards people's feelings.
5. Being Human - understanding of their weaknesses and showing our own
6. Forgive and ask for forgiveness
7. Be Authentic
The Foxhole principle: When preparing for a battle, dig a hole big enough for a friend
Next comes to the requirements for sustaining a long term relationship
The Investment Question:
The gardening principle: All relationships need cultivation.
The 101 percent principle: Find the 1 percent we agree on and give it 100 percent of our effort.
The patience principle: The journey with others is slower than the journey alone.
The celebration principle: The true test of relationships is not only how loyal we are when friends fail, but how thrilled we are when they succeed.
These are the advantages.. I can use this principle the most ;)
The joy of accomplishment is diminished when no one celebrates with you.
Many people identify with failure, few with success
People who celebrate with you become lifelong friends
Celebrate with the most closest to you.
The High Road principle: We go to a higher level when we treat others better than they treat us.
Directions for high road :
1. Stay on kindness street as long as possible
2. Turn right on forgiveness avenue
3. Avoid get even alley as it is a dead end
4. Climb to the top of the hill as you will see the high road.
5. Take it and stay on it
Next to make the best of the relationship there is
The Synergy Question:
The principles are
The Boomerang principle: When we help others, we help ourselves.
The Friendship principle: All things being equal, people will work with people they like; all things not being equal they still will.
The Partnership principle: Working together increases the odds of winning together.
The Satisfaction principle: In great relationships the joy of being together is enough.