Friday, August 6, 2010

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus -4 (Avoid Arguments)

A man and woman should try to avoid arguments as much as possible, not because of what they say but because of how they say.
A woman wants to feel validated when a woman complains and a man wants his behavior to be approved
e.g if a man comes late and keeps a woman waiting, a women wants to be validated that she had been waiting for a long time and hence felt some discomfort. So she may say - how can you keep me waiting for such a long time. Now the man hears that she is disapproving him saying you cannot do anything right - he tries to explain saying why are you feeling like that, I was stuck in traffic and hence I couldn't come soon. Now women feels that she shouldn't feel bad for his being late i.e her feelings are not validated and man's feelings are disapproved. So to counter this situation, the man has to validate her feelings and women has to be less disapproving.
The way man and women keep score is also a major point of difference and it would be a lot of help to understand that
1. For women, small thing is equal to a big thing - If he gives her an expensive gift he gets one point. Similarly, if he gives small gift also, he gets one point. So if the man thinks that he has given her a big thing but still she doesn't feel satisfied,the reason is this.
2. Men should remember that women can give till the score is skewed very very much like 30 to 0. If the man feels that she is doing because they are even in scores, then he is mistaken. Women do not realize this till they are burnt out and then they start to show resentment but not appreciating the small things done by him because they feel that already they have given too much and now he has to give.
3. Men feel that  because they have done work in office and come home and earned 50 points, now it is his wife's responsibility to earn some points by appreciating that then he is in for trouble. The man only got one point. Now he can earn more by doing little things for her.
4. Now a man stops giving if the woman is not appreciative of what he does. There are five reasons when he stops giving
a. martians like fairness: When they feel that they have worked hard to provide and they have already given enough
b. Venusians like unconditional love
c. Martians given when they are asked
d. Venusians say yes even when score is uneven
e. Martians give negative points.
For a man, the things required are appreciation and the reaction of the girl for what he does. If he doesn't give the required love to him, then he gives negative points. Like if he forgot something she asked and then she makes a big mess of him, then surely she will get negative points but if she just understands and doesn't say anything she gets many bonus points.

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